Office Zombi

Clack clack clack at the keyboard.

Tap tap tap at the keys.

Jam the space bar, bang on the backspace, mash the shift key like it insulted my girlfriend.

Work is a wonderful thing. It takes all of my will to not flip out, and the whole time I can send out follow up Emails, shell out reports, double check cross references and train others on our new programs but it gets me nowhere at all.

When did life become a dead end job? How did the smart people turn their lives into hobbies? Why do perfectly good relationships become TPS reports? How is it that some parents behave like moron executives with too much time and money and allow their children to be ignorant, petulant, sales reps?

If life had Quotas, they would be mistakes. If life had reports, they would be the pie charts of all our failures.

"You see the small chunk of purple right here is the success with our firm. The green is the amount of time procrastinated, and the yellow are your fuck ups. Please note the correlation between fucking up and the amount of time wasted procrastinating. We have a separate chart created for your stupidity, and you can use that as a key to figure out the procrastination chart, and coincidentally how many people you tricked into sleeping with you. It should come as no surprise that their charts aren't much different than yours."

"Please also note we have two programs (your parents) that we purchased without beta testing. Now that you have been with us long enough we need you to administer them. I'm sorry to say that the programs didn't work correctly in the first place, and now they are not compatible at all because your mother is an older version of what is required to work efficiently and your father is a moron."

"We have a file cabinet here for your reference. Your ex lovers have created a log you need to sort out before you leave here today. Its a record of how many i's you didn't dot, and t's you didn't cross. Please PLEASE be sure not to make any mistakes on these, because the person you are currently banging will use these to sum up your time card. Speaking of which you've got a lot of shit to sift through before you clock out for good."

"Oh before I forget. I'm screwing your mother. Welcome to the family Son."




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-J